Hanif Kureishi from a hospital bed...
July 10, 2023 09:35
Pic: @Hanifkureishi
A long, sombre tweet from acclaimed author Hanif Kureishi from his hospital bed. Kureishi is the author of My Beautiful Laundrette; Buddha of Suburbia, and winner of the Whitbread Award.
He writes: "DESOLATION ROW
I don't know if this has ever happened to you. But it has certainly happened to me. I have entirely lost my appetite. I cannot eat more than two or three mouthfuls of melon, or of pain aux raisins. Sometimes I have some chocolate or a protein drink and all day a little bit of water. But otherwise my appetite is dead.
"I have felt nauseous most of the time and have vomited. When I see my sons tucking into a massive salmon and cream cheese sandwich I am shocked by how much they manage to consume. Friends bring me the most delicious food they can think of to try and tempt me, but there is not a particular taste I am looking for. All food repulses me. But because I have been living in a hospital since Christmas, it wouldn't be surprising that I have become disillusioned, and no longer read the papers or watch the news.
"I have no desire to watch movies or comedy shows. In the evenings, before Isabella leaves me, she always reads to me from my friend David of Bromley's blog, and then several delicious pages from Elton John's autobiography, which always cheers me up before the long fear and desolation of the night, that I have to go through alone. It isn't surprising, since I am so depressed and ill, that my libido has died. At least one more discouraging thing.
"I found out in Rome that the doctors there have been giving me a small amount of anti-depressant. I didn't ask for them, and I didn't particularly want them, but I discovered they were on my pharmaceutical agenda.
"Here, in this new hospital, they have doubled the dose, since I didn't much notice I was taking them anyway. Asking around my friends, it turns out that at least 50% of them have been, or currently are on, some kind of anti-depressants. Some have been running major institutions on them.
"One friend has been taking them for twenty years, because he has reproachful thoughts after midnight, and has no intention of giving the meds up. Other friends have been off and on them for most of their lives. They all ask me what particular variety I am taking but I can never remember the name or pronounce it. I never wanted to take them since I have my own cure in psychoanalysis twice a week. One friend said "anti-depressants get you to the party and psychoanalysis enables you to enjoy the party once you get there'.
"I avoided them because I didn't want to mess with my brain, which I require in order to be a writer. But I am beyond that now. I am suffering more than I deserve.
"I cannot believe that I have been living on a dementia ward for three weeks, because that is where they have been able to find a room for me. It is worse than a bad joke. The cries and howls are very disturbing. Previously I had led a lucky life; I had all the luck in the world. Now it has run down. I spend as much of the day as I can with friends. People are still keen to visit me. I have given up writing for conversation. I can no longer make things up for a living - it seems too artificial in the face of this absurdity - and I have to say that the conversation has been a lot of fun. I like listening to others. People's generosity and kindness has overwhelmed me.
"In circumstances like this you really find out who your friends are, and how loving people can be. I wish I had been kinder; and if I get another chance, I will be."
He signs off writing, 'Hanif xx'
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