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Single motherhood by choice comes of age

Firdaus Ali

Mother's Day is a time to pay tribute to all mothers. Especially single mothers, who prefer the wail of a newborn to marriage vows.

Single motherhood has grown globally by 60 per cent over the past decade. Nearly 25 per cent of America's 'never married' women are now mothers. And while the subject remains clandestine in some Asian societies, the 21st century promises to change all that.

Clearly public opinion on the subject of 'single motherhood' has changed a lot since 1952 when Hollywood's Swedish star Ingrid Bergman was ostracized for giving birth to famed director Robert Rossellini's twins Isabella and Ingrid without marriage.

Today speaks of a different story. While single mothers were initially seen as man-haters and radical feminists wanting to upstage the traditional family system, they now represent strong-willed, determined women who do the job of parenting their child/ren alone.

Most single mothers have never been married; others were divorced or widowed before becoming mothers. These women represent a cross-section of society coming from different racial and ethnic backgrounds, age groups, social and political beliefs; even financially facing different situations. They are different in every which way.

Yet each of them has a characteristic in common -- the desire to be a mother and a belief that one loving parent can do a good job of raising a child.

Women's empowerment, increasing numbers of failed marriages, education of the girl child and even the woman entering a competent work-force may be some reasons cited for women deciding on single motherhood.

Women who have fulfilled their career dreams and feel there is plenty of time for marriage but very little time for motherhood almost always choose a baby over a prospective life-partner.

Single motherhood may have initially been a statement for the feminist movement, but today it represents an important tool for women's empowerment. But most often the term is misconstrued for 'forced motherhood'.

From 'single unwed mothers' who got saddled with a baby owing to premarital sex, the term has evolved over the years; today a single mother is directly linked with `chosen motherhood'.

In fact the term SMBC (Single Mothers by Choice) has gained wide acceptance in the Western hoop. The 'choice' here is sometimes mistakenly linked with the term 'single' when it is directly associated with the term 'mother'.

Now governments, employers, families, even society, is taking a more commiserating view of the single mother. Availability of day-care facilities, tax concessions and minimizing of work hours are just some of the benefits a single mother enjoys today.

But SMBCs don't come without their share of emotional and financial conflicts and concerns. For a woman who is considering motherhood, there are times a psychiatrist is needed to answer queries and dispel doubts. "But at such times, what is most needed is a family and society that is not preachy or judgmental or stiff and formal," says Anne Logan, a Toronto-based SMBC.

Sometimes a failed marriage or relationship compels women to take to single motherhood. For Logan it was "a marriage that simply did not work out". This and her biological clock ticking away ceaselessly, reminding Logan of her "restricted time" to have a baby, helped her make the decision of having a baby without getting married.

Logan, nearly 50 now and a mother of a 10-year-old daughter Alex, felt apprehensive at first. "But I went into single motherhood after a lot of pondering. One has to carefully evaluate one's financial and emotional status before making the decision," she avers. Also, the fact that there will be no breaks for the mother as in two-parent situations. Once the baby is born, it's all yours.

Most women who take to single motherhood undergo periods of anxiety, depression, tension; some even have nightmares in the beginning. Jane Mattes, a psychotherapist and single mother of a teenaged son and author of the book Single Mothers by Choice, admits in her book of being nervous at first. "I had nightmares in which outraged people threw stones at me," she recalls in her book.

The nightmares could be the subconscious fear of losing one's status, job, even individuality. In Mattes's case, it was a fear that her career as psychotherapist would be ruined, a fear of being ousted by family and friends. Her guilt was palpable.

Many women go through a gamut of emotions ranging from doubts and fears to triumphs and self-appraisal, not necessary in that order. Mattes looks at society's changing outlook on the subject. Her first professional job was at a home for unwed mothers, a place where unwed teenaged girls were sent to hide their pregnancies, to spare them and their families the shame of exposure prior to giving up their babies to married couples for adoption. This was in 1967.

But in 1979 she turned time around and did exactly what was considered unacceptable. Have a baby without marriage. "Most women, who have accomplished their professional goals but are unable to find suitable life partners, realize there isn't much time left to start a family," reasons Mattes in her book and calls it the "prime reason" for the growing number of SMBCs.

The realization triggers a series of events for the woman who wants to help the situation. Most give up their futile attempts at looking for the ideal husband and opt for adopting a baby or trying to conceive one outside wedlock.

While adoption is another issue altogether, for those who decide to have biological children, the prospective father may be a former lover, boyfriend or husband.

The thought of sharing the child with someone may be scary to some. With it comes the legal right of a child to have two parents, irrespective of whether the parents are married. While the law ensures that the mother cannot forcibly keep the father out of their child's life, many women turn to sperm banks and artificial insemination for respite from an ugly situation.

Once the baby is born comes the question of taking all the right steps to minimize the psychological damage to it in a society so habituated to two-parent families. For most single mothers, it means answering the 'daddy questions' as truly and sensitively as possible and trying to avoid half-truths and lies.

The right way here would be acknowledging and answering questions on the 'whys' of single motherhood. Most psychiatrists say children of single mothers have as good a chance of turning out well as any other child.

So it is basically choosing to become a single mother, weighing the pros and cons, deciding to adopt or conceive, having the baby, and going on with life as a single parent that are the steps involved in planned single motherhood.

But it is not as easy as it sounds, which is why many organizations have sprung up to aid, counsel and organise single mothers worldwide.

Mattes first informally met eight single mothers in her living room many years ago in 1982. Media publicity and public curiosity helped make the single mothers' organisation a non-profit corporation. Today it has hundreds of members globally.

As Mattes points out, single motherhood has been one of the most exciting adventures she has ever undertaken. A journey that has been most fulfilling and enlightening, even if it didn't come without its share of bumps and groans.

Yet this joyride is one that most single mums like Mattes wouldn't want to exchange for the world!

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