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The toughest job in the world

I turn my attention away from the bright red tomatoes to follow the piercing, loud shriek of a toddler. He is throwing himself on the floor, demanding a balloon "right now, right now". The whole supermarket is staring in disbelief at the red-faced mother, vainly trying to pacify her child.

My first reaction is one of relief. "It's not my child, thank god!"

But I can sympathize. I have been there, done that. That used to be me until I learnt a secret strategy to get my three-and-half-year-old to listen. It's called negotiation. OK, maybe bribery is more accurate. Either way, it works.

All mothers know there is life after your kid goes to bed. Here in the US, there are dishes to be done, the kitchen floor to be mopped, toys to be cleared, laundry to be folded, crayon and food stains to be wiped off the walls... need I go on?

If that is not exhausting, demanding, challenging enough, you have to deal with the "I wants" and "gimmes" and 'whys" all day long.

So I have devised a system: five red M&M's if you put your toys away; one lollipop if you are quiet on the way to the post office; one peppermint if you can stay still at the bank; and so on.

For the really important times, there are toys like cars and trucks to dangle before the toddler. Hey, basically it's just a way of teaching the child that if you behave, you will be rewarded. If that's not passing down good values, I don't know what is.

My friends, however, swear by great child psychologists and carry their books around, yellowed and well-thumbed, to be referred to surreptitiously in times of distress. I have seen them in parking lots, in shopping malls and even in ladies' rooms. "How to deal with a stubborn toddler," they mutter.

They ridicule my 'system', laugh at me. They say the "experts do not condone what I am doing".

"Guess what?" I shoot back. "The experts are not there with me when I am trying to run to the post office, the fish market, the pharmacy, the flower shop and the bank. They are sitting comfortably in their leather couches in well-decorated, air-conditioned offices, planning what they will have for lunch, as they bang out these 'theories'.

"I am the one who is in the trenches. I am the one who has to cope with everyday life. And my system works, it really does." But by now my voice is a whisper. Because I am alone.

Come on, let's face it -- life is a battle, a constant struggle. Why fuss, argue and fight with your toddler if you can help it? I may be 'bribing' him, but I am teaching him patience, compromise and negotiation, skills he will need always.

Here's another enlightening thought: it never ends. Take motherhood. It isn't just the transition one makes from being a wife to a mother. It's the work-in-progress -- the ongoing changing and moulding of your individuality to fit your child's needs as he grows and moves from stage to another. And it's all negotiation, patience and compromise.

If one were to put out advertisements in the newspapers, the job descriptions for moms would change all the time. And you will realise at every stage the importance of 'bargaining'. The first stage would probably be: Needed, very calm, patient, maternal, cuddly, snuggly type to care for newborn. Must work 20 hours a day, seven days a week. Must forgo sleep most days. No pay, no benefits, absolutely no holidays.

But you will be paid in abstractions. You will watch your baby grow, see him smile, coo, sit up and grow into a toddler. He grows smarter, learns to walk and then run, play and share. So you give something, you get something. It's the first lesson we learn in life.

The compromise and negotiations go on, as the child becomes a toddler. Now the job description will read: Wanted: Athlete in mint condition to chase toddler all day long. Must guard him as he attempts to overturn things and wreck house. Candidate must be ready for potty training accidents. Must have first-aid kit. Some knowledge of nursing a plus. Must drive to all parks in the area. Meanwhile, candidate must cook, clean, polish and shine the house. Coffee breaks are allowed when the child naps. You may actually read a newspaper or magazine.

As the child goes to pre-school, the description changes. This time it reads: Wanted candidate to provide creative atmosphere to stimulate and educate pre-schooler. Must know some art, music, dancing and absolutely must have ESP to figure out what the teacher did in class, since the child will be clueless. On the brighter side, you will get two hours off, five days a week.

Between the ages of 9 and 12, the description gets better. Wanted: Candidate with tact, patience and diplomacy usually reserved for resolving conflicts in the Middle East. Must be able to deal with runny noses and friends with sticky paws all over your clean house. Must also be nice to all the other mothers, even if they belong to another political party, and must like teachers a lot, enough to bake cookies and buy them presents on birthdays, teacher's day and end of the school year; as if your budget was not stretched enough.

Also, you must be open to dealing with the yucky worms, snails, frogs and mice that the child 'adopts' and insists on sharing his room with. Proofreading skills required for dealing with mathematics and physics assignments.

Must know all answers to the confounding modern math. Simply must possess a pair of good running shoes because child will always inform you the night before the science project is due and you have 20 minutes before the stores close.

Then, it gets worse for a while during the teenage years. This candidate must have the negotiating skills of a Secret Service agent. Must not ever embarrass teenager. Must not work on the same side of the street. And must be ready to explain patiently over and over again why excessive makeup and Tommy Hilfiger and Calvin Klein are not necessary accessories.

Will now have a chance to see every mall in the area and will be able to play the role of a chauffeur often. Must be able to delicately advice adolescent on boys, sex, drugs and violence with the sensitivity and tenderness of a peer and an adult. Must grin and bear ear-spittling bad music.

At the college-going age, the advertisement shrinks dramatically: Needed financial assistance at a good college. Must be able to have enough money for great clothes, new car, books, furniture and other trappings.

What this last ad omits to tell you is that you are now free to pursue work outside the home, if you hadn't already figured that extra income is needed. I've left out some things like some mothers have more than one child and other responsibilities.

But these entire casual references aside, I'll be the first to admit that being a mom is the hardest job in the world. Apart from being a teacher, a guide, a best friend and a parent, you must be forever prepared to accept that a piece of your heart ripped out of your body is going to go away from your vision and you have to believe that everything will work out just fine.

So, you should use whichever strategy works best, without feeling guilty. And you must have one or you will be reduced to a pathetic, quivering, pleading figure, promising your child a puppy, just so that he can get into the car, without a fuss.

And trust me, bribery works.

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