In defense of Dadaism

Tut, tut these bluudy English! (Err, excuse the language. And the people.) So our Saurav brings…umm, a little colour to their deathly pale county cricket. Well, they ought to thank him for it. Rather than, as Abhilasha put it, nit-pick. When, oh when, will the English stop thinking they still rule the world. Yes, they gave the world the game. But for god's sake, most of it is still played in white. Isn't that boring, I mean, traditional enough? Don't you already have your…taking time out to stiffen my upper lip…WIMBLEDOON, LORD'S, WESTMINISTER, WHATEVER…!!! Isn't your life dull enough? Or racist…I mean, white enough? Perhaps, it's your way of making your presence felt. God knows your guys can't do it on the cricket field. (When was the last time we sat through an England innings? Yawn!) There, see what I mean.

Wake up, there are more things to shut the English up with.

So Dada won't wear white shoelaces. So what? I'm not looking at his shoes. That's the problem with you guys. No wonder most of your players can't play an attractive shot to save their lives. They're too busy concentrating on shoelaces! Fat Flintoff, Hick Hick., Spineless Thorpe and Arduous Athers. All dressed up in their colourful white shoelaces. What a sight to behold on the cricket field. God, you English love your colours. (White, Grey and Grey.) And if Saurav got some people run-out, so be it. He does that to us too. (How can you expect him to be merciful with you? He's ours.) He's done that even to Sachin. The world forgave him for it. He is after all…what do you call him? Yes…the Prince of Kolkatta. (Did I get it right? Do Charles, Nicholas, Allott and Willis approve? Does the Queen approve? Who cares! You don't rule us anymore.)

Ask any Tom, Dick and Harry, which pretty much covers the spectrum of personalities you'll find in English cricket, and they'll tell you they'd rather watch the Prince of Kolkatta. Also, ask the same English Tom, Dick or Flintoff to live without their insipid food for a week and they'll gladly do so. Yes, they would. Even if it means 'the loosies.' Why blame Saurav for not taking to the 'insipidity' that is inherent in the English. Especially, in the ones who tend to be inherently English? (Got that? Good.) And what did a certain Ian Botham have to say about India? Or for that matter a certain, very, very popular and lovable Geoffrey Boycott? Who cares! We like them for the entertainment they provide us with. What they think about us is not our problem. What they wear is not our problem. Who they're sleeping with is not our problem.

Of course, for you guys, it becomes your problem. And that's 'cause you guys don't get enough of it. (I mean, good cricket.) You need stuff to make up for the deprivation you feel. You get your fixes by trying to show the world how much more correct/righteous you can be. (Or a look what a jerk I am for wasting my time nit-picking when I ought to be concentrating. And letting Abhilasha and people like her concentrate on version 2.0 of Bangla style 'dadaism.' And, like I've said before, this is only county cricket. Only, perhaps, a bit better than the Indian domestic circuit. So let's not get into paroxysms of expectations from a guy who's probably just looking just for some match practice and a few valuable pointers from his coach Bobby Simpson. (Besides ways to not let the rich life back home go to his waist.)

So if they weren't there to cheer him on his 50, too bad. It's better to not be a nice guy than finish last. Unlike Sachin, Dada is not Mr. Nice Guy. (Thank god.) Sachin was/is nice to a fault. He rarely reacts very emotionally. Rarely tells people off. And he mustn't have let the English have it for their superciliousness. Saurav on the other hand is not known to take nonsense. Not for him will any of that 'we used to be your rulers, you know' bullshit. That was a different generation. Don't expect this one to laugh at all your stoopid jokes. To work harder than you'll ever care to, to understand your crazy accents. We will not try our damnedest to pronounce your names 'your way.' We will not be polite to a fault. We will not suffer fools gladly. And we will not let our lives revolve around your stoopid, white shoelaces. You are a country of people that celebrates 'Page 3' and devours a sleazoid like The Sun. What more can we say.

Just one more thing. If Saurav doesn't fit in, thank god! Neither did Geoffrey. And we love him.

Avinash Subramanium